worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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