Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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