singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
