My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
