The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
