I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
