I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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