96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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