so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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