I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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