the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
