Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
