She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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