I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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