So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Randomize
