Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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