yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
