____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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