The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
