my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
