Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
