so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
