You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
