Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
ugly people sure do ruin things
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
