No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
