do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
please don't ironically join a cult
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