just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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