I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
