yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize