I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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