She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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