I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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