If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
