That's intense
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
