the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
