I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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