Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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