he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I love you.
Bad choice
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