I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
