I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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