apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
