he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I checked into jail on foursquare
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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