I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
