getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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