Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
