you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
