I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
