Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
