you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'm having to shit out rocks
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