I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
