if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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