I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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