Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
